Email 1st February 1999

Subject: Love birds

this is a really stupid question but....
How does somebody stop their lovebirds from stripping the wood in an aviary?
this is not a trick question and any suggestions would be gratefully recieved.

dear Jenx,
Allowing them to shag helps or encouraging masturbation relieves pressure!
They will copy and learn!!!
Throw a few sex aids in the cage and play them relevant Alf Hitchcock movies to increase their personal esteem - If this doesn't work shoot them or throw in a canister of tear gas!!!
Either that or remove their beaks and claws with a blunt hacksaw!
Don't forget to sand the perch thoroughly before replacing so as to remove the traces of death that could intimidate other lovebirds and lead to a Feng Shui problem!!
Do not under any circumstances allow access to chainsaws!
I hope this helps
love Onkel Fish

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