Email 2nd February 1999

Hey, Fish.
cracking advice mate! I wondering, any advice on how to stop cats shitting on my flower beds and gravel. Its really pissing me off!
Hope you can help

Dear Glenn,
I find tying their paws together with barbed wire and inserting a garlic clove up their ass works wonders.
Fill the gravel beds with chewed up Osram bulbs (the cats can do this for you if you add to their food source) or bits of twisted shrapnel collected fron outside your local crack den. Clean the blood from the soil regularly as the iron content often affects the flowering patterns of perennials.
Only other thing I could suggest is stop feeding them altogether or concrete your yard and get a Bull Mastiff!
I hope this helps
Love Onkel Fish

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