Email 3rd February 1999

Subject: Illegal Cat dumping !!!

Dear Onkel,
I'm having a bit of trouble with my cat Retread. As of late for some reason he refuses to do his thing in the litter box like all good Kitty Kats should.
He's found a favourite spot of carpet and continues to go there. (both Number One and Number Two). No matter how many times I clean that patch of carpet he continues to use it for his excretion pleasures.
What can I do.
Bewildered Cat Owner

Dear Bewidered Cat owner,
If the carpet has good absorbent qualities thoroughly soak in water and wire to the mains. When your pussy treads on said rug to go for a dump or wee it will receive a large and disabling shock. It may evacuate at both ends simultaneously but you'll find your pussy gives the carpet a wide berth after this experience. If the problem persists apply the technique all over the house remembering yourself which areas you have wired.
I hope this helps
Love and furballs
Onkel Fish

Subject: Shitting Tigers! NM/FC

Dear Onkel Derek
please can you help?
I need to know how to stop tigers shitting in my garden!
It's killing the roses.

Dear Tosh,
Ohhh! That old chestnut! I find staking out either a goat or small children in a neighbours garden draws them away. Make sure you nick a small artery which is guaranteed to provide a constant flow of fresh blood thus enticing the tiger at all hours of the day or until the "kill" is acheived.
Replace the sacrifices on a regular basis or until the tiger in question has moved territorial habits.
Their is no point in shooting them as the carcasses are difficult to bury, the meat is questionable and the fur rugs are difficult to shift.
Also I note you live in the UK where it is illegal to have any guns of the calibre required to bring down an adult tiger. Shooting with airguns will only annoy him and cause you to regret your actions.
Only other option is to move house and stop renting property in Regents Park.
Hope that helps
Love and toodle pip
Onkel Fish

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