Email 4th February 1999

Subject: Sneezey Balls problems! NM/FC

Dear Onkel Fish,
My girlfriend owns a cat (Fluffy), but I'm allergic to cat hair. I actually like Fluffy, so I've tried to find ways to get rid of all that hair so I won't have to ask her to get rid of the cat! Unfortunately, plucking the hair with tweezers became to much of a daunting task, and simply shaving the cat won't do the trick because the hair grows back.
I've also tried covering the cat in molasses so the hair wouldn't shed, but Fluffy nearly licked herself to death (I rescued her in time, but she's been really jumpy and excited ever since).
I'm completely frustrated!! Any advice?

Dear Sneezey,
I'm surprised the molasses trick didn't work as I've tried it on animals as well as myself to great effect. Plucking stimulates hair growth as you will probably remember from your school days when you plucked hair from your legs in order to acheive the same follicular density as the rest of the basketball team. Why not set up a device just inside your cat flap using lighter fluid and a trip switch. This way every time Fluffy comes into the house she will get a shower of flammable liquid which will be ignited by the motion of the cat flap triggering the electronic lighter. This way cat hair (and eventually the cat) will no longer be a problem in the house. Another solution is to contact someone who has a tiger skin for sale and cover Fluffy with the 'new' fur. This will keep friends and neighbours edgy and unwanted salesmen and Jehovas witnessses away from your yard.
I hope this helps
Love Onkel Fish

Dear Onkel,
I hope you can help, I'm at my wits end. My cat has developed a severe psychological condition and scratches and bites anyone that goes near him. This may stem from the time I tried to clip his claws with an angle grinder. His claws are now growing quite long but we are not able to get near him to sort them out. I've tried darting him but he moves too quickly and the suspicious bastard won't come near any traps I set.
What can I do?
Claude Balls

Dear Claude,
The fast advancing military technology which is now widely available in most decent local electronic stores have a wide variety of devices you can utilise in trapping cats. However a simple device is to apply superglue to his scratching post or the area in the house he uses to relieve his little aching back. Once the claws are firmly stuck to the post you can remove him with a chainsaw while at the same time wreaking revenge for his totally unwarranted attacks on your testicles.
A more expensive way is to employ a small army of beaters and use the famed Tajikhstan "Cobra net" together with a cat cunningly moulded from C4 and covered in lifelike hair which you could get from Sneezey. At the crucial moment when the cat thinks it has found a companion deploy the beaters and once coralled detonate the explosive. The cat will probably not survive but to be honest it deserves all it's gonna get.
I hope this helps
Onkel Fish

Dear Onkel,
Many thanks for your advice, I went for the C4 option coupled with the Tajikhstan Cobra net, very effective. It was a pleasure to watch the little buggers expression when at the last moment he realised that what he thought was that night's conquest turned out to be rather more than he bargained for. I will never forget the sight of him passing through the roof and heading out into orbit, I think I used a bit too much C4, if you look closely you can just make him out, just to the left of the Plough. However do you know anyone that does home renovations as I now have a bloody big hole in my roof, but it was worth it!!

All the best
"Not So" Claude Balls

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