Email 8th February 1999

Subject: Taking the Piss out of a tree!! NM/FC

OK Fish here is one for you, being as I live down under, how should I rid the gum tree out the back of the pesky Koala... they are cute and all but man can they piss!!!

Dear :-0,
Find your nearest nest of Fire Ants and lay a tantalising trail of honey from the nest to the desired gum tree.
Apply honey thoroughly to the base and using a specially adapted Paint gun shoot the bear with honey pellets.
The ants should follow the trail and discover the Koala which should piss itself on discovery of finding itself a food source.
You could also think of manufacturing an enormous bubble of clingfilm and filling the interior with smoke. Invite all your friends round and roll up a few hundred doobies exhaling into the clingfilm dome. The Koala will eventually get so stoned it'll fall out the tree. Then rough it up a bit and give it a warning to convince it to bugger off into someone else's tree.
Or you could just blow it away with a large calibre handgun.
I hope this helps
Love Onkel Fish

From: Chris Dodd (bikeman at
Subject: RE: Koala trouble

Sorry Onkel, but I must put in a word here.
Unfortunately, the clingfilm idea wouldn't work, as the koala lives in a natural state of bliss. You see, the eucolyptus is the mainstay of the koala's diet and is a natural intoxicant. With the koala chowing down on the stuff all the time, I fear the doobie-ness would have no effect. One might try greasing the trunk of said tree with 10W/30 motor oil, then gently calling to the bear (in a voice used to coax a poor kitten who is stuck), coaxing it out of the tree.
I've heard that koala piss is rather pleasant smelling and is used as a perfume by some aboriginal outbacker women.
Take care,
THE Bikeman

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