Email 17th February 1999

Subject: Re: Please advise.

Tarkus wrote:
>I've got a musing I'd like your counsel on:
>In the United States, especially in the midwest, where I live, it's very,
>very "uncool" or "unhip" to be a Progressive Rock fan and I'm getting
>terribly sick of going into music stores and being given blank looks when I
>ask about the Misplaced Childhood reissue.
>
>Also, it's terribly difficult to score with women if you're into prog. Why
>is that?
>
>Why do you feel that progressive rock isn't nearly as big in this country
>as it is in say, Japan or Germany? Do you have any reasonings that will
>make me understand this unfortunate situation?
>
>I would appreciate it.
>
>Sean "Tarkus" Little

Dear Tarkus,
You enquire of one of the great mysteries of the universe. Freemasonry is a similar topic to discuss and holds more answers.
Lets begin with girls! Girls are sometimes put off by the non rock steady beat and difficult lyric and generally think that any boy interested in Prog is a spotty, pseudo intellectual who would prefer masturbation to making lurv!! It's not true and a terrible conspiracy has been perpetuated by the press and media over the years in order to alienate us from society.
It was started by a Harold Frink in Nebraska who was spurned by a Genesis roadie who ran off with his girlfriend after a post show party. She was found much later in a car park in Detroit with a huge smile and a free t-shirt and her left breast autographed with a sharpie.
"Hi Harold, so long and thanks for all the fish... nice barrel!"
Harold developed an acute hatred of all things prog and after Wendy, his love continued to cavort with visiting prog bands in the mid west area he embarked on a ritual slaying of all things prog while in his position as cub reporter for the Lincoln Morning Herald.
He was to meet up with similar non plussed and betrayed scribes who's spouses and true loves had been ravaged by not so Gentle Giants and Mahavishnu Orchestras.
The debauchery was endless and Harold together with his spotty friends embarked on a ruthless campaign to end the rule of Prog not only in the mid west but throughout America and beyond.
The music was slagged, the musicians were ridiculed and bit by bit prog lost it's foothold and was buried beneath a mound of MOR. Gradually Harold worked his way up the ladder to more prominent positions in the media trailing his drooling and bitter companions along to the high ranks of power. The movement is still active and like the free masons the society is secret and manipulative behind the scenes of the music industry.
It's rumoured that Harold now works for Q magazine in the UK but in the USA his disciples continue their evil reign, purging the streets and malls of prog and casting sordid dispersions on anyone remotely associated with the genre. In Japan and Germany Harold was met with opposition at first as Prog's birthplace held out to the merciless crusaders. But even now Harolds warped and twisted doctrine invades the media and prog struggles to be heard. An unholy alliance in the 90's altered the course of European culture as The Spice Girls and Boyzone combined with other visually friendly outfits to dance step their way to prominence. It's a rumour that the steps used in their act have a hypnotic affect and take the listeners attention away from the music and thus diverting their quality control senses to the dazzling feet movements. Michael Jackson is allegedly the Grand Master of this Church.
Prog still exists in an underground state and recent rumours suggest that there is new resurgence of prog in the guise of Prog Nouveau or Prog Groove which is coming from Scotland. Signs are good for the future but your chances of scoring in the Mid west are still minimal as Wendy's betrayal still echoes in the minds and loins of the majority of the male population whose minds and senses were polluted by Harolds bitter experiences.
Fathers will warn daughters and sons will spread the untruths leaving you a lonely man with no alternative but to resort to typecast as supplied by the evil Frink.
Don't give in. You are a beautiful person with taste and culture that deserves to be heard by all. Spread the news and be proud to prog!
Good luck on Friday night!

hope this helps
love Onkel Fish x

Ps Wendy changed her name and now works in the White House
 

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