Email 9th March 2000

Subject: Fish 2000 - The lean years!

Dear Freaks, Fishheads, Fans and the Company,

Well it seems a bit quieter this week so I thought I'd stick my head out for a shifty!

Couple of things for openers. I have no problem with the Rest of Both Worlds mob. I do not want them taken out the Webring and as the "major problem" is mine my decision is to spare these poor souls (adopts Caesar like pose!). I talked to Andy and he apologised and offered his firstborn as slaves to be entombed in the Ruin. He has learned his lesson and when I pulled the nails out and let him down from the crucifix he promised never to do anything like that again without first having me present a totally biased viewpoint for his editorial. From now on all ROBW material pertaining to myself will be heavily censored by Tosh and Andy W. I don't want the wee electronic rag shut down - freespeech is important in today's society! :-)

I talked to Tony T a few days ago. There is no problem between us. He is officially on a sabbatical and his place on the Saturday gig will be taken by none other than Foss Patterson. This is not a permanent replacement. Foss is still undergoing therapy from his last stint with me and only volunteered as he was promised a hurl in a helicopter this weekend.
The set is an acoustic set and we will have Squeeky, Steve V, Aaron Lawson (first try out on guitar) and Frank Usher who also comes along for a bit of Woka Woka! I'll be singing with my new throat!

I am now stopped smoking for nearly 2 weeks and am feeling great. After a wild week in London and being asked by one person if I had asthma I decided that I had reached the end of the habit. I've used acupuncture to get me over the worst of the withdrawal and I'm using some US pills to keep me happy! That's the reason why Andy S can still walk! :-)
I also stopped drinking for a couple of weeks and now have 5 days alcohol free every week. This is a concerted effort to get lean and fit and so far I've trimmed an inch of my waist. I decided that if I am to start taking this acting career seriously I better start looking after myself. This all may be a bit hard to swallow and you are probably checking the date as it is getting close to April again but it's true. I have seen the light. Next convention you won't recognise me.
Only problem is that Big Paul the Tyneside barman is in shock and has had to cancel his holidays this year. The brewery has been sending me begging letters on his behalf.

I played in goal for the half time entertainment at Easter Road on Sunday. Didn't do that well as the 4 guys who took the shots were either really good or totally crap. I saved one out of the 12. 4 went in the top corner, 2 went in off the post, one went off the crossbar, 2 went over the bar and the other 2 were so wide of the post as to be embarrassing. I just stood there for a couple of minutes and watched in the end. Total waste of time really. Didn't even get a crate of lager for the one I saved! Not that I wanted it mind!
The game however was brilliant with the Hibees beating Celtic 2-1. Everytime we are on Sunday Sky Sports we play a blinder. It's great getting the calls from friends on the Monday who are all well impressed. Thank god Sky don't show the shite games! Anyways the Derby is coming up and we have Falkirk in the quarter finals of the Scottish Cup on Saturday. Long may the winning streak run as European competition beckons next year! Gives me a chance for some gigs - as long as we don't get drawn against a farmers team in the hinterland of Far Eastern Europe.

The Swiss festival that I'd hoped for in June fell through as we couldn't make it work financially. If we played on the Friday the flights per person were about 600 pounds return and we needed 8 minimum. On top of that airlines are becoming very strict on luggage allowances these days and the charges are horrendous. It is highly unlikely that I'll be getting offers of festivals this Summer that can cover costs. Bugger! :-(

Good news though is that I picked up another acting role. I auditioned on the Thursday and got the job on the Friday as a wife beating con man in Taggart!!! :-) Whoopee! It's big time cop TV with attitude and accents!
Once again it's a small role but as you know in a popular show. My agent is working hard at finding the "right" role in a high enough profile movie to really get the ball rolling. With the CV forever building the chances increase. Who knows - the next Wookie could be your man!!:-)))))

Finally I am ashamed to admit this but I have developed a terrible addiction. Since giving up the fags and getting into the health kick I have found that fish oils are helping my poor strained limbs that are aching from football on astroturf.
I started to have a kipper in the morning. I now eat a kipper every morning and it has got so bad that my lawyer Robert White sent me 2 in the post today as he recommended a particular type of oak smoked fish. The thing is the shop has a web site so I can order them and get the fish delivered!. Some mornings I've eaten 2 in a sitting. The kitchen stinks, the wife has threatened to leave me, the daughter is succumbing to a nibble or two and is starting to like them and I am starting to think about going down the harbour to hang out around the smoke houses! My joints are well supple though! :-)
Tammi has said that enough is enough and was really embarrassed when Robert's kippers arrived dripping in the mail bag. We had to apologise to the Postie.

So that's it! The news to date so far! I'll tell you about the gig next week - it's very hush hush and all that!

hear you soon
lots of love
Onkel Fish x

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