Email October 13th 2006

Subject: [FishFans] Re: On a much lighter note

So there I was the other day in my dressing gown at around 11am as I am accustomed to and Marie my cleaner, who comes in once a week came through to the office where I was talking to Elspeth. "There's a rat under the small table in the wine rack and I think it's still alive!"
The girls hid in the office and battened down the hatches while I went through expecting to find a wee beastie that the cats had left from the previous nights kitty party. I didn't expect to see a 9 inch tail hanging out from the recently emptied racks and immediately retired to the bedroom to get into my jeans which were then duly stuffed in my cowboy boots. For those of you accustomed to dealing with rats they have a tendency to attack when cornered and I didn't want my privates unnecessarily exposed to a vengeful furry monster. Suitably attired I went back to examine the situation and found that the beast was still very much alive and had wedged itself in a defensive position from which there was no way I could get it out without risking a bite or flushing it out into the room with all it's range of nooks and crannies. Killing it in situ was the only option.
I couldn't get in a strike from above so had to consider an attack from the front. Looking around the studio the only weapon suitable was a 2 metre spear I had been given by a Sambura warrior on a visit to Kenya which was hanging from the beams. It was duly removed and I aimed the extremely sharp spear head to set up a clean strike on the back of the rat. The first hit should have done it. The second and third should have been unnecessary. It was still trying to escape, had squeezed out of the wine rack and was now pissed off big time. I managed to skewer it just as it made a run for the safety of the couch. I had to keep it pinned to the floor and looked for something to batter it with. Luckily within arms reach was a handy panang machete I had been given in Brunei by the major commanding the Jungle warfare section after my adventure in the "sticks". I managed to unsheathe it with one hand while pinning the rat with the other holding the 2 metre spear.
It took two blows with the blunt end to dispatch the animal.
My two cats, Harley and Spike, watched on nonchalantly. I had woken Spike up at the outset, given him a shake and thrown him into the vicinity of the rat hoping he would have taken it out. All he did was take a glance and amble through to the kitchen. They now seemed quite impressed by my exploits and gazed in admiration as I picked up the 18 inch long corpse and headed to the garden for a long throw to the hedge.
I knocked three times on the office door to give the all clear, walking in with the spear and the panang to two incredulous ladies. Mission accomplished!

I'm getting better :-)

Fish X

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