Joke of the day

I've just heard that one of my life-long friends has died today of severe heartburn. - I just can't believe Gav is gone!

[This only works if you say it out loud, so altogether now...]

What do frogs wear in Summer?

Open-toed sandals...

What's brown and sticky?
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A stick.

Just heard this on the radio:

A boy doing his homework sez to his Dad - "Where are The Alps?"

Dad replies: "Ask your mother, son - she puts everything away.."

Just come from Mordor International airport.

With the Olympics so close, some athletes must be arriving early to train in the wet damp British air.
I followed a chap on the flight from Frankfurt this morning through immigration. He was in a track suit and carrying a long canvas bag over his shoulder a good 10 foot long and two in front of me in the queue

At the immigration desk, as we waited in the queue , the long canvas bag was causing a bit of an annoyance to those in front and behind him, and before he could get to the front of the queue an immigration officer came up and spoke to him... The Immigration officer did the usual eyes up and down check, clocked the face, pointed at the big long thin bag over his shoulder. He raised an eyebrow, and smiled, and asked

" Are you a Pole Vaulter? "

this clearly upset the chap in question.. he replied..

loudly.

"Nein! I am a GERMAN. But how did you know my name was Walter?"

My niece's new favorite jokes:

Q. Why do people carry umbrellas?


A. Because umbrellas can't walk!





Q. What did one egg say to the other egg?


A. Nothing -- eggs can't talk!

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,

She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....

Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before?

A couple celebrate their 30th anniversary by re-tracing their first walk together. They come to a fence against which they first made love. - The husband says: "Come on, for old time's sake." - The wife agrees. - Afterwards, the husband says: "You were even better than you were 30 years ago." - The wife replies: "The bloody fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

Two women were walking home after a girl's night out, when they both realised they needed to take a piss, so passing a graveyard, they decide to answer the call of nature.

Of course, they have no toilet paper, so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away, while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath, so pulls it off and uses that.

Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other: "You know, we need to start watching our wives when they go out for their nights out. My wife came home last night without her knickers." - "You think that's bad?!" said the other husband, "Mine had a card stuck to her arse that said 'From all the guys at the fire station. We'll miss you'!"

A couple out walking in the countryside decide to have a quickie in the open air and lean on the fence for, ahem, 'support'.

At one point, the wife shouts: "Oh wait, the style, the style!"

The husband replies: "Wow, thanks darling!"...