Joke of the day

[Rainbow]

Add your joke here to give everyone a smile a day. Anything goes but - please - no racist, sexist or offensive humour. Mildly smutty is OK but let's keep it clean, folks!
I'll start the ball rolling.

A woman goes to the council to register for Child Benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the woman.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy and Billy" she answers.
"What? They've all got the same name?" says the council worker, "Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Don't be daft," says the woman, "It's great - if they're out playing in the street I just have to yell 'Billy, yer dinner's ready' or 'Billy, time to go to bed' and they all do it."
"But what if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the council worker.
"That's easy," says the woman "I just use their surnames."

[docbob]

Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking.Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do.""Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
" Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
" Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
" Yep," was the calm reply."And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
" Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 45 years."

[madgenie]

There's now an antidote for Viagra. You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.




Woman arrives home in floods of tears. Turns out she'd lost her job. She asks her husband to console her so he hits her across the back of the head with the X-Box.




A bride on her wedding night says to her husband...."I must confess darling I used to be a hooker"
He says...."That's alright dear your past is your past, but I must admit I do find it erotic....tell me about it"
"Well...." she says...."My name was Nigel and i used to play for Leicester Tigers"

[mar]

can i tell mine about the dwarf with a lisp, bit iffy, but could clean it up i think

[nickj61]

go on go for it

[mar]

go on go for it

ok, give me 5---

[mar]

so,a dwarf goes to buy a horse, the dealer shows him a nice little pony, the dwarf says,'oh she's nithe, can i thee her teeth?', he picks him up, 'oh, there nithe, can i thee her eyths?', he picks him up, 'oh, there nithe too, can i thee see her twot?', bewildered, the dealer picks up the dwarf, and lifts the horses tail, the little man saya, 'i'll refwase that, can i see her wun awound' SORRY

[Sandy Fearfull]

Geography of a woman/Geography of a man

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe .
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past.


Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.


THE END.

[docbob]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Rich1]

Rabbit goes into a bar. Suppressing his surprise, the barman asks the rabbit what he would like.

Mr Rabbit: A pint of lager and something to eat please.
Barman: We've got crisps, pork scratchings, sandwiches, toasted sandwiches
Mr Rabbit: Mmm. A toasted sandwich sounds good - I'll have a ham & cheese one please.

The rabbit enjoys his lager and ham & cheese toasted sandwich. He very soon becomes a regular, having his pint of lager and ham & cheese toasted sandwich every day.

One day he walks into the bar as usual.

Barman: Your usual Mr Rabbit
Mr Rabbit: Actually, I feel like a change today. I'll have a bacon & mushroom toasted sandwich please.

Mr Rabbit sits down with his drink and sandwich, takes one bite and falls to the floor, paralysed & choking. The barman frantically rushes over to his side.

Barman: What's wrong, Mr Rabbit?
Mr Rabbit: Mixing...arghhhh....mixing...arghhhh...mixing ma toasties......